Somewhere around the time I turned fifty, I began to question who I really was. At 52, I retired from a job I loved and moved to another state. After losing all of my elderly role models and becoming the “older generation,” I started wondering how do you grow older? I didn’t have my mother to watch nor did I have my elderly aunt who was always so elegant and graceful. I decided years ago that I wanted to age with thoughtfulness, elegance and grace.
Many people suddenly find themselves retired but having to re-enter the work force due to a very difficult economy. I discovered that most employers were looking for younger people to hire…………..ones with some life left in them. Having always thought that finding a job would be no problem, I began to explore the concept of volunteering. Being a greeter at a big box store, working at a home improvement store, volunteering seemed to be the work environment most accepting of the older generation.
In our fifties, many of us are losing our parents, our children are having children, our health is becoming a challenge and we are finding ourselves in a gray area. Too young to be retired and not young enough to do what we used to do. We don’t sleep like we used to. We can’t jump out of bed without first sitting on the edge of the bed to get our land legs. Waking up a few times a night to go to the bathroom seems to be normal.
I began to think about why I make the choices I do and are they still important. I wondered why I was dyeing my hair to cover the gray. Wasn’t I putting off the inevitable? When you ask people in their fifties about aging, many tell you they would rather dye their hair than eat. We spend on expensive cosmetics; buy scarves to hide “turkey neck” and obsess about getting older. Around 40, I suddenly realized that I could have enjoyed what I had during my 20’s, 30’s and 40’s. Instead of mourning the loss and the natural passage of time. You feel you are bullet-proof but I know now that it all catches up with you.
Perhaps we need to take control of what we do have and celebrate who we are right now. After a few very scary health experiences with my husband, I realized that I had missed my 6-week hair appointment to cover the gray hairs that seems to be coming in by the hundreds. I told him, with fear in my voice, that the gray seemed more prevalent than before he went into the hospital. His reaction was to tell me that he loved how my hair looked. So, who was I really coloring my hair for? It dawned on me that perhaps I still looked like a 54 year old with dark brown hair. If I let my hair go natural would I be less noticed, considered old, begin to decline and literally fade to gray?
What I discovered with this simple act of rebellion was that my “authentic self” started to emerge. With the “I don’t care” attitude, I noticed that people were responding to me differently. Maybe it isn’t about holding back time but celebrating it. People seem to be attracted to a person being comfortable in their skin. When I calculate just how much I have spent on hair salon appointments for the past 30 years………… I could have invested this money, taken a trip around the world or made a contribution towards something more important. I calculated at about $350 every 6 weeks, with 52 weeks in a year to be around $91,000. This is ridiculous.
With my decision to go natural I opened up so many more questions. Why does the younger generation think we don’t understand when we have actually been there ourselves? No one is reinventing the wheel here! Perhaps tweaking it a bit. Why are we so scared of dying and who will die first? Now we begin to understand what our parents talked about when they said so many of their friends were passing away. I was terrified of not having someone older to watch age and then I realized how many older role models are out there looking for a person to share their thoughts with.
I have an older friend who is almost 90. I never sat with my father and listened to his stories but I ask, like my life depends on it, all the questions I can think of with this friend. I asked recently how he dealt with the loss of his wife. He basically told me that it was her time to go, we can’t control that but we can accept it and celebrate that person’s life by going on. I was shocked because I always viewed this phase of life as a death for the partner who was still alive. I had spent so much time worrying that I was killing off the present. Each one of us doesn’t want to lose someone nor struggle through a painful illness of our own. I remember someone telling me that a coward dies a million deaths but a brave person dies but one. You never know what strength is until strength is all you have.
I spent much of the first two years in my new area feeling out of step. I couldn’t figure out what I was supposed to be doing as a retired 54 year old. What was 54 supposed to look like? It is about becoming authentic, graceful, elegant, caring for others and letting the people you love know that you appreciate them. Most of all it is about celebrating the journey and looking in front of you instead of behind.